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I'm only putting the MOST priceless ones here.....the ones where I laughed so hard I thought the librarian was going to ask me to leave!
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THE BASICS OF THE BLUES by an anonymous comedian
If you're new to Blues music, or you like it but never really understood the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fo! rds, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing The Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and N'awlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg `cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg `cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass.
11. Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom's b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses.
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied; No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived d. you have a 401 K or trust fund.
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. black coffee; The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c. Snapple d. Slim Fast.
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Jennie.
18. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie.
19. Persons with names like Sierra, Brittany, Sky, Bi! anca, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Blues Name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Narcolepsy Pomegranate Nixon or Cripple Peach Fillmore, etc.
A DOG NAMED SEX.............by Monty Storm (from Ann Landers' column long ago)
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex." He's a great pal, bat he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny -- I have the same problem."
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't undrstand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." the judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, plese." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me, too."
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at four o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.
SO, you've gained a few pounds.....This may be why:
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower
And spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man,
"You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them."
And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt,
That woman might keep her figure
That man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt,
And he brought forth chocolate, nuts
And brightly-colored sprinkle candy
To put on the yogurt.
And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings,
Bacon bits,and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert.
And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak
From Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds,
And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes,
And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control
So Man would not have to toil
To change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato,
A vegetable naturally low in fat
And brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin
And sliced the starchy center into chips
And deep-fat fried them.
And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control
And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created the HMO.
(From my friend Lyn in New Hampshire)
DON'T ARGUE WITH CHILDREN
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal its throat is very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale cannot swallow a human; it is physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
Her teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
(From my friend Joe in Tallahassee, Florida)